I've been slowly getting sicker for at least 6 months, maybe longer. As of January it appears that I'm allergic to gluten, which is found in wheat and barley, which encompases an annoying lot of unexpected things: pre-shredded cheese, beer, soy sauce, curry & taco spices.. The summary: gluten attacked my lower intestine, which then became unable to absorb fat soluble vitamins. So bread (etc)created malnutrition!

Fast forward to February, halfway through the month. Unwittingly I mention the strange bulge that has begun to go down, hitherto assumed to be a 'popped' rib leftover from the walking pneumonia LA gave me on my first Southern California spring.. I can hear the intake of breath, and the rolling eyes over the phone as my doctor demands to know how I'm feeling otherwise. I admit I'm now sleeping MORE, up to 15-20 hours a day. . I'm told that it's not a rib, it's a very swollen spleen, and that what is wrong with me can't be fixed over the phone.

I may have bad bacteria, I may be aneamic, I may have a thyroid playing swinger. No way to know over the phone, the law was laid down--I need blood tests. Without $, without insurance, who will pay? How will pay? No idea, but the 'free' clinic has a 30 DAY wait unless you have MediCal, which has a line around the block implying the same.

I'm a certified doctor, you know.. I went to google medical school.

I tend to not go to the doctor for what are big things, having a huge fear of being a hypochondriac. . . and then it turns out I have had cat scratch fever for almost 2 months, have had walking pneumonia for 6 months... have been working at a coffeeshop with 2 fractured carpals..

So I check google... I shouldn't have, but I did, and made myself predictably crazy. These stomach problems with gluten intolerance untreated can lead to the same cancers my uncle, my grandfather, his sister and brother died from (rare leukemias, pancreatic and colon) ...my swollen spleen can indicate a parasite, or celiac-gone-wild, and all can indicate problems with ovaries, which runs in my family matriliniarly... I did mention I made myself predictably crazy, yes?

So I find myself taking a revoltingly long water-wasting hothothot shower, as I do when I'm stressed (or chop vegis that didn't need the torture, hiding them in a soup). And I fantasize about cancer, what would I do, how would I cope? And I realize I would propose to my lover, ask to elope and secretly civilly marry. I realize I do not want to die without his hand holding mine. I, green-eyed dance-a-holic who has been homeless, has lived through a blizzard in a trailer with no heat, who has lost friends and lovers to needles and madness, I realize I can lose everyTHING in my life, but I'm no longer willing to go down without fighting for someone. For him. I'm in love quietly, and cancer has no chance, imaginary or real. I really hope it's just gluten. Until I figure out what it is, I'll be good--to me, for us-- and if good isn't good enough, well, I'll figure it out, one gasp above water, well-treaded, at a time.

As much as I truly love cupcakes, I love my man more, and finally, myself as well.